"I got my start in silent radio."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

"My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal."

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."

"If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours."

"A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away."

"I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."

"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard."

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh." 

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it

 So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

 So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

 So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

 So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

 So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."